Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I need a vacation...or maybe just more Smirnoff

Friday night I drove 250 miles to help my mother clean house. She has health issues and company coming in 3 weeks and her house looks like my kids live there. The Friday night drive was a lovely one through fog and rain and tornado warnings. Hunter Boy and Ladybug slept the majority of the way and I talked to Farm Boy.

While I was driving in the lovely weather Lil Bro was drinking mucho amounts of alcohol. So much so that he rented the alcohol and didn't remember calling and talking to me for an hour or promising to go trucking to Minnesota with Farm Boy on Saturday.

Woke up early and went for breakfast and garage saling. Came home and we dusted, vaccummed, did dishes, and picked up and the house looked great...then she opened the door to the spare bedroom. OMFG the shit was was piled as high as I am tall. Now I know I'm short, but a 12'x12' room with shit piled 5'1" deep with just enough open space to open the door is damn overwhelming. Temper held firmly in check (aided by the knowledge that I was going to be drinking with my bro later than evening) we started hauling shit out. Two trips and she needed to "take a quick break" and I kept working...an hour later I had 98% of the room cleared out and she was still on her break (yeah yeah just call me Sucker). The 5'1" pile of shit was now a 2" high 3" wide pile of shit that stretched the length of the living and dining rooms. At this point I am thinking I am done...but nooooo we still have the closet to clean out. I never realized how tall the ceilings are in her house until I was on the top of a damn ladder (and yes I am really skeered of heights and ladders) pulling heavy ass boxes off the top shelf wondering how the hell she got them up there. The kicker was the last box off the lowest shelf...who knew that you could jam 200 pounds into a shoe box!!! I sure as hell didn't and whatever was in the little sucker caught me off guard when it shifted and I lost my balance and did a graceful wipe out off the ladder. did mom ask if I was okay...nooo...I believe her comment was "at least you only fell 4 feet" uhm...4 feet is a really long way when your head starts 9' off the ground. Needless to say, I hurt and have bruises in places I didn't know could hurt or bruise.

Somewhere in the midst of this Farm Boy called and said that he went to Minnesota early and was home so Lil Bro was off the hook. At this point Farm Boy had been awake since 3:00 a.m. Friday morning and was exhausted...yes, this was Saturday afternoon and yes he is insane and yes I called his daughter and ratted him out.

The family went out to eat to celebrate Hunter Boy's birthday and then Lil Bro and I went bar hopping. I was the heavy drinker drinking 2 to his 1. Tells you that 1) he had not recovered from the night before and 2) I was pissed.

I was hurting so bad that Lil Bro had to come in and help me pack the car. We left early so that I could stop every now and then to walk around the car in hopes that the muscle spasms would go away. The normal 5 hour drive took 8.

8 hours in the car with 2 kids...I now know why animals eat their young.

Had the pleasure of talking to the fucking piece of shit formerly referred to as pond scum, aka the exhusband. He was pissed because the kids didn't answer their phones this weekend. Hunter Boy left his at home and Ladybug had hers but it was in her backpack. So does he call my phone to talk to them...nooo, he calls to yell at me because they don't answer their phones. WTF they don't answer me when I call and I pay for the damn things...WTF does he think he is to call and yell at me...and then the mofo wonders why I don't answer when he calls.

Don't even ask me what I did at work yesterday...I do not remember. I do remember buying a puppy on Farmville; the kids having 2 hours of TaeKwanDo aka 2 hours of momma time with Smirnoff.

Bottom line...Momma ain't happy so shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my personal space.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Seriously...I mean SERIOUSLY!

Hunter Boy & Ladybug...what's a mom to do?
Monday was Hunter Boy's 11th birthday. Ladybug starts the day by telling him that she hates him and hopes he has the worst birthday ever. Seriously...not a fun way to start the day. Ended up picking Hunter Boy up and the 2 of us celebrated between school and TKD. Ladybug couldn't understand why she didn't get to go...seriously. Jealousy does not become her. GRR...

Farm Boy...what's a country girl to do?
Farm Boy spends ALL weekend talking to me says the "L" word and the "M" word in the same sentence EVERY conversation and goes from calling me sweetheart to wifey (which freaks me the hell out) and I tell him that we'll have to table talk about the "M" word until the next time we are together as that is not a discussion for the telephone. Which he said he was okay with.

Sunday he asks me to go on vacation with him the 3rd weekend in July...and gets pissy when I tell him I can go ANY weekend EXCEPT that one. The river trip was booked & paid for LONG before we reconnected and, since this is the ONLY thing that I do just for me, I am NOT changing my plans. Any other weekend I can make it happen...just NOT that one this year (or any other year for that matter). Was growly but said he would see if he could change up the weekends.

Sunday was also the day I "met" his daughter. Lil Farm Girl, made him take a nap the other night and while she was driving the tractor went through his phone and got my number. She called and talked for 2 hours Sunday...said she wanted to know why he was on the phone and smiling so much...so much for keeping it quiet with HIS ginormous family.

Fast forward to today...get a call from my mom asking for help this weekend. Dad's gotten her Irish up and she's overdone it and is now feelin' poorly with too much to do and not enough time. Since it is supposed to rain Friday-Sunday she was hoping we could head north for the weekend.

Hmmm...rain Friday-Sunday means Farm Boy won't be in the field either. I call this morning on the way to work expecting voicemail and get "good morning wifey" which was nice. Tell him I was just calling to let him know that we will be north this weekend to help mom out and he freaks out. I mean SERIOUSLY freaks out. I said "luv u. gotta go, have a nice f'n day. bye." and hung up.

Say what you mean and mean what you say or don't say nothing at all!!!

Friday, April 16, 2010

WTF Friday

Crackberry - WTF happened to make you purge all your contacts and send me into a tizzy? You KNOW I can't survive without you...why would you do this to me?

New Trashman - I heart you today - you were nice and only laughed at me a little when I raced out of the house in my PJs to give you the trash. Thank you for waiting for me! Don't know WTF happened to the last one, but I like you WAY better!!

Crackberry Support Person 7 - WTF was wrong with people 1-6 that made me totally wipe my Crackberry when all YOU needed to do was simply change one tiny setting. I heart you for fixing the problem and hooking me up with some really cool apps.

PS - WTF do you NOT know how to tell time?? SERIOUSLY!! 6:00 means 6:00 NOT 7:30. I have plans and am now late thanks to you!! Again...WTF?!?!

Little Bro - WTF you call me this morning to tell me you will be in town tonight and we plan to meet for dinner then you drove through without stopping or calling?!?!?! Had I not called to tell you that PS was running late would you ever have called me?

Town Girl - OMFG WTF did we do? We're gonna see Tim McGraw!!! This is gonna be an awesome b-day weekend!!!

Farm Boy - WTF you called me during daylight hours just to see if I was ok. You were the last number dialed and I'm sorry that my purse did its version of the butt dial calling and hanging up multiple times. I promise I will remember to lock the keypad so I don't freak you out again. I heart you for calling and for the fact that when I got off the phone everyone wanted to know what was so funny.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Dear Woodpecker:

I hate you! STOP TRYING TO GET INTO MY HOUSE! If by some chance you succeed, you will NOT receive a warm welcome. If the cat doesn't get you and the dog will try. If the dog doesn't get you I will. I have a tennis racket and I know how to use it!

Go away!!!
Country Girl

Dear Oak Trees:

We have loved watching you and the animals you provide homes for. I know you are two of the original 7 in the 7 Oaks Subdivision but you are not leafing out this year and I know you need to be cut down. I'm working this into my budget, however, if you feel the need to fall down beforehand...please take out my house and not the neighbors. I could really use a new kitchen and fireplace and don't want my neighbors mad at me.

You will be missed. Love,
Country Girl, Hunter Boy and Ladybug

Dear Trash Man:

Thank you for never arriving at the same time each week, it really makes getting the trash out on time an adventure. While I really appreciate what you do, if you run over my trash can one more time I will make sorry...I have cat litter AND dog poop that I don't HAVE to double bag for you. bwahahahaha

Don't piss me off,
Country Girl

Dear Fellow Texas Bitches:

This trip to the store is taking way too long - I can't wait to get back to the house.

Miss you all,
Country Girl

April 15...what a day...

Known as Tax Day to some...to me it is more about the life changes that came at me more quickly than I had anticipated. In 1999 this was the day the doctor told me "we're having a baby on Monday" and I freaked out because Hunter Boy was not due until May 17th.

This morning Hunter Boy woke me up to let me know that there's only 4 more days until his birthday and I freaked out because I am not ready for Hunter Boy to have a party at the house next weekend.

I have spent the last 30 minutes focusing on my to do list and figuring out an orderly plan of attack for handling both a garage sale and a house full of 11 year old boys at the same time. Yes, top of the list is lots of Green Apple Bite Smirnoff Ice.

Oh...just so you know...Tax Day for me is the day that I get that last W2 and can FINALLY finish and file my return...usually the first week in February. ;o)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Thoughts From a Crackberry Addict

Hi, my name is Country Girl and I am a Crackberry addict.

Though I am not crazy about your touch pad at times I do treasure your blinking light which tells me when you need me to give you attention.

You have proven invaluable when a unique photo op presents itself and you are fast replacing the trusty digital camera. You did an excellent job last weekend and I thank you.

While I refuse to hook you up to my work email (though I would if the company would pick up the bill) your bluetooth syncs my calendar and contacts and helps keep me organized, in touch, and where I need to be on time. Thank you for working seamlessly with VZ Navigator so I don't go exploring at inopportune times.

When passing through a radio wasteland thanks for rocking me out with Pandora and making me smile.

Last but not least are your custom ring tones and message notification options. I am lazy...I admit it...I like knowing who's calling without having to look at the phone.
  • The GF's - Girls with Guitars
  • The Mom's - yup you guessed it...Crazy Bitch
  • Hunter Boy and Ladybug - Sweet Child of Mine
  • The Rents - Home is Where the Heart is
  • Little Bro - Sweet Home Alabama
  • Soldier Boy - Traveling Soldier
  • Town Girl - Here for the Party
  • Farm Boy - She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy
To the peeps...if you have the generic ring tone chances are I won't answer your call and you will have to leave a message which I may or may not reply to. If you recognize yourself on this list...yes, you can consider yourself special.

Sweet dreams dear Crackberry rest up, tomorrow's gonna be a long day...

Oh...and Farm Boy, I lied. I WAS asleep when you called...you should thank dear Crackberry for singing your song so I answered sweetly "hey babe, how are you?" instead of growling "what the f do you want."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A day in the life of a procrastinator

What did I do at work today...mailed 3 envelopes, researched 4 properties, and filled out one form. And it took me all day and I looked really busy doing it. hahahahahaha

I am taking a class to become a financial coach and I had NO idea how much homework would be involved. I had to read 2 chapters and supposed to complete 5 pages of questions. YUK!! Instead of finishing my homework I called Farm Boy and then watched the last disc of Starter Wife Season 1.

It is now 2:21 a.m. and I guess it is time to start the cycle all over again.

Night and happy procrastinating everyone...later.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I love spring!

The weather was in the high 70s this weekend and I said the heck with the housework and we spent the majority of the weekend outside. Saturday Ladybug, Hunter Boy, Town Girl (long-time friend of mine) and I were out and about running errands, stopped by the favorite park but couldn't find a parking space, and ended up at one of the local nature sanctuaries. I got some really great pics of the kids by the waterfalls and we had an excellent time on our walk through the trees in the shade.

Sunday we continued the outdoor theme by utilizing the Zoo membership and trekking the long route out to Africa and back. Hunter Boy held my hand as we walked and talked about the animals - I am so lucky that at almost 11 he still likes to hold my hand and is not afraid to give me hugs and kisses in public - Ladybug is already thinking that she is too old/grown up for that. We ended our day by grilling for the first time this year.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Farm Boy Revisted...

Farm Boy and I have found our way back to each other after a long time apart. We are both sorta set in our ways and intent on taking it slow...sort of.

I called and talked to Farm Boy on Monday and he was in the middle of repairs and needed help...so I had him call my brother who just happens to be a farm mechanic. Tis the season and Farm Boy and Little Bro have been spending quite a bit of quality time together keeping the tractors in the field...yay male bonding.

After a week of being ignored Farm Boy finally calls me. (Said that Little Bro made a comment and he figured he better call so I wouldn't get pissy. Little Bro knows that I've been pissy all week and, while I love him dearly, I may have to kill him is he opens his mouth again.) We talk forever...I swear he is the only man I know that LIKES to talk and will talk on the phone for hours.

Farm Boy is working hard and has tons to do and is amazed that I "get what he has to do" he forgets that is the life I grew up in. Although I am left wondering WTF was I thinking when I told him, "don't worry about me, do what you have to do, I'll be here when the planting is done."

Jumping on the bandwagon

Seems like blogging is the thing to do so...here goes nothing.

As a single mom taking care of my kids has totally consumed my life for the past 4 years. Now that PondScum (PS from here on out) has a "fiance" St. L (SL from here on out and yes she has to be a Saint to put up with PS) and a new baby from here on out) the kids are seeing him on a regular basis again. PS says that they are "grown and don't need him" HELLO...they are 9 (Ladybug) and 11 (HunterBoy)...WTF do you mean...grown???

Anyway, PS didn't want SL and I to meet and for good reason...we LIKE each other. hahahaha She was a single mom for over 15 years and knows what I've been having to deal with. She wants Baby to know Ladybug and HunterBoy no matter what happens with PS. She is "teaching" PS how to be a good dad...and the kids are benefiting so who am I to complain.

So now that the kids are going to see PS and SL every other weekend, I am starting to have a life. Yay me!