Saturday, October 30, 2010

the final good-bye

Dear Army Man,

The box arrived a week after you died and shook me to the core. I cried just looking at it, eager to open it yet afraid of what I would find inside. Your letter filled my heart with joy and then shattered it. Yes, I would have given us the second chance you asked for. The necklace, earrings and ring are beautiful, I wore them to your memorial service.

I received the last letter Thursday. Yes, I am angry, sad, and were right about all those things. More than that I feel cheated - we had so much to look forward to. Your death hit me harder than I ever could have imagined and you have touched me in ways I can't put into words. Once the pain of losing you subsides I will try to do what you asked, you will be in my heart forever.

Love always,
Country Girl

Crapadoodle - I forgot how COLD it gets here!!!

It has been cold, frigid, freezing here this past week - seriously the temp Friday morning was 23F.

I have rediscovered that I do NOT like the cold. It hasn't even snowed yet and I'm dreading the day the white stuff arrives and people here are talking about feet of the stuff, not inches like I'm used to but feet in the double-digits.

I admit, I like having a white Christmas, I'm just not so crazy about the idea of solid white from mid-November to mid-March or later.

Now, my parents who wanted to be closer to the kids and have me move back to help out, etc...are now talking about going to Arizona for the next 4 months. Yup, con me into moving back to help out through harvest and stuff and now bailing on me during the coldest, crappiest months of the year. Not that I blame them cuz if I could I would in a nanosecond and their house in Arizona is really really nice.

It is 2.5 miles from the garage to the highway...I now have to learn how to scoop snow (with a tractor not a shovel) and/or beg my neighbors to take pity on me.

Aunt Crazy, I need to move SOUTH!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

how far is too far to drive for work???

So, I live really close to the county line and I work 40 miles away in another county.

This is Wednesday...the day all the county newspapers are delivered. There are help wanted ads in both county papers one for an office manager at the hospital and one for an office manager/legal secretary for the county prosecutor's office. I am tempted to apply for BOTH positions because one is 10 miles and the other 12 miles away from my house.

I love my job but...winter is coming fast and the thought of driving 40 miles one way to work in nasty weather just does not appeal to me. I know that I will excel at whatever I do...I would just really like to be closer to home sometimes.

Ugh!!! decisions decisions decisions...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

bowling is not cheap

My dad sponsors a bowling team and for some odd reason I volunteered to sub "as needed" this year. So far I've bowled 3 weeks out of 6...for the same person. What made me do this I am not sure as in the past 24 years I had bowled ONCE...2 years ago. But the thought of socializing with people other than my kids and parents was just too appealing to pass up.

So week 1 I can't find a ball that fits my hand that isn't too heavy. I had 2 games in the double digits and finally hit a 145 in the last game...but the first two games were so bad that my average is in the double digits...which the rest of the team assures me is okay as they always have to give the other team pins and me having a low average helps...uhm...not buying it but okay. Oh...and did I mention that the bowling alley shoes freak me out??

The day of week 2 I decide that I need to go to the "pro shop" during my generous 30 minute lunch break. In 10 minutes I selected my bowling ball and a comfy pair of bowling shoes. The decisions weren't that hard as I asked what do you have in stock, getting sized for the drilling of the holes took the longest. At the end of the day I went back and picked up my pretty pink bowling ball, shoes, and bag. That night I was able to bring my average up a whopping 2 pins...a miracle considering my fingers swelled and the ball got stuck on my thumb more than once. OUCH!! The next day I went back and got that problem fixed.

In preparation for week 3 I decided to take the kids bowling last Friday night since I needed to practice. Mistake 1 was not eating before we went. Mistake 2 was not asking for the cheapest way to bowl...dropped the week's grocery budget at the bowling alley - YIKES! Three kids/3 games and 5 games for me...that's a total of 14 games at $2.50 each - NOT cheap!!! However my pretty pink bowling ball and my wrist brace and I are getting along famously.

Week 3 was tonight and I forgot my brace at work and still managed to be in triple digits 2 games out of 3. I also managed to find a spot on the floor that did not allow my foot to slide and I almost did a face plant, which I am sure looked oh so graceful and I am now really looking forward to seeing my chiropractor in the morning.

Can't wait til next week...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

time will heal a broken heart

I'm throwing myself into anything and everything I can to take my mind off Army Man. I received the box Saturday and I have not been able to bring myself to open it. Maybe next weekend...we'll see.

I finally told the kids that a friend had died and I was really really sad. I need them to be less argumentative and more helpful. They are a little more understanding and hopefully they will be more willing to help me with things.

I can't think of what might have been, what will never be - I have to concentrate on my kids. I know that only time will heal my heart - I just need to take it one day at a time.

Nothing feels better than cuddling with my kids these days. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

home alone for the first time in months...

wow...I had forgotten what being alone felt like. Peaceful that would be the word.

Ladybug is spending the night with a friend so I had a date tonight with my #1 man...Hunter Boy. We went and got his haircut (school pics Wednesday), bought new work and snow boots for him and 3 pairs of shoes and a purse for me (love BOGO), and ate out.

On the way home my dad called and I turned into the farm taxi...which worked out great since Hunter boy is working with him tomorrow. Hunter Boy packed a quick bag of work clothes and I drove them both to the pickup and said good night and woo hoo!! I'm home alone!

So far tonight I've fed the dogs and the cat, swapped out my purses, and watched Lost in Austen. Currently watching Nim's Island as I blog.

Times like these do not come often and I'm really really enjoying it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

words/phrases to remove from my vocabulary indefinately

War - Death - Visitation - Wake - Funeral - Dying - Cancer - Too Late - Nothing We Can Do

August and September and October to date have been brutally hard on my heart.
A dear friend lost her 15 yr old son in a motocross accident; another lost her step-dad; two others were diagnosed with cancer; and most recently Army Man lost his life serving our Country.

So I'm driving to work Tuesday just mindin my own and my cell phone rings. Don't recognize the number so I blow it off. Two seconds later it rings again...and then a third time so I finally answer. It was Army Mom calling to tell me that her #4 son and my 2nd "true love" had been killed in Afghanistan. I pulled over to the side of the road and cried in my car while Army Mom gave me the details.

I ran into Army Man while he was home on leave at the end of July and the kids and I went to the big BBQ. It was great to see and reconnect with his family and tons of mutual frients. Army Man and Hunter Boy really hit it off - so much so that a promise was made that now will not be kept...he promised Hunter Boy that he would teach him to shoot and take him hunting after he got back. Army Man was on his last tour and was going to retire instead of re-upping.

I get home Tuesday night and open my email and got the shock of my life when an email from Army Man popped up. He told me that things had been heating up where he was and he was looking forward to getting back to the farm and the quiet life. He had gotten the care package I sent and there were enough cookies for all his guys to have two. Lady Bug's drawings and cards were passed out and some of the guys added notes to her in the letter he sent. He said he looked forward to catching up and hanging out when he got home. (Okay this means that sometime in the near future I will be getting a letter from him - give me strength)

We have all been waiting for Army Man to come home...just never expected it to be in a coffin with a flag. :~o(

So, I'm 16 shades of blue with 10 shades of Irish temper red thrown in for sparks cuz without the Irish I'd be curled up in a corner with my head in the sand. I'm angry and so very very sad, the pain just takes my breathe away right now.

If God never gives you more than you can handle, I sure wish he didn't have so much faith in me because it HURTS!!!
I am strong and I will get through this, I am just not ready to "put on the big girl panties" and get on with life. It doesn't seem right, so I think I'll wallow awhile...